First Impact Play

I went to the CSPC for the first time last Tuesday.  They had a “tasting” event where there were stations set up to try several different BDSM activities.

I tried some bondage and a suspension, but there’s just not much to those for me without a power dynamic involved; the fact that I wanted to be tied, and knowing that I could ask to be untied at any point, defeats the purpose.  With a Dom, I think it could be fun, though.

Most notably, I tried some impact play.  After the play party I went to, I’d been hoping to see what a flogger and other things felt like.

The person at the impact station had me hold on to this frame thing.  Then he showed me some implement and I’d say okay or something and then he’d use it a bit.  We tried out a lot of the things he had.

I’ve tended to like stingy feelings more than thuddy feelings, but I was really curious to see what thuddy pain felt like.  When he used thuddy things, they  would maybe give me a jolt forward, but it took quite a while before they hurt.  I think I was okay with that pain when it came.  I really don’t remember what it felt like.  But I like the idea of it more now, so I guess I liked it.

I can’t really recall a point when I really enjoyed the impact play, though.  It kind of went from where it didn’t hurt to me being analytically interested in the feelings to trying to cope with pain that had gotten to the point of unpleasantness.

I was okay with it being unpleasant; I’d wanted to see what it would be like when it got to that point.  I can’t remember a lot of it.  But I remember him slapping my back some where it was already sore, and I didn’t like the sting; it was getting harder to deal with.  And toward the end, he wrapped this rubber thing around me and snapped it on my back three times.  That sort of thing would have been exciting and thrilling earlier.  But at that point, all I did was focus on trying to breathe out when it hit so I could cope with it better.  No thrill, just survival instincts.

Overall, the experience wasn’t very satisfying.  I’m glad that I have a bit more idea of what things feel like.  But the pain wasn’t satisfying without a complementary mindset.

I went into this with an analytical mindset.  What would these things feel like?  What would the experience be like?  Just gathering data.  I also wanted to maintain my dignity.  I didn’t want to respond to the experience in ways that showed weakness.  I wanted to be tough and be able to take it.  And I had this survival mindset (that I also get into in emergency situations): I get totally calm and analytical so I can figure out the best course of action to survive.

No submission.  No trust.  Just relying on myself.

I think that in a scene with someone I knew, I would want to focus on deliberately letting go of the pride I hold onto and allowing myself to vocalize my reactions; I’d want to allow myself to be weak.  And I would want to trust them and not just rely on my survival instincts.  I would want to relax into the experience given to me and not try to analyze and manage it myself so much.

It makes sense that those aspects weren’t there; I didn’t even know the person running the station.  It took me several days to figure out what mindsets I had been in and why I hadn’t really enjoyed it, though.

I was surprised that there was so much I couldn’t remember.  I didn’t feel like I was in an altered mindset at the time.  I checked myself a couple times and concluded that I still felt normal.  But it was a whole lot of new things all at once, so regardless of my mindset, it makes sense that I wouldn’t remember everything.

At one point during the play, the guy said that this wasn’t really a tasting anymore.  So I’m not sure how to classify my experience.  I wonder how close it was in intensity to a scene (which I’m sure have all different intensities anyways).  I wouldn’t know.  I’m curious to know how it compared to a scene, though, so I could better know what a scene might be like.

A few hours afterward.

I had bruises, and I liked them.  I liked pushing my shoulders back toward each other so I could feel them better.  They healed pretty quickly, though.  After five days, I couldn’t see or feel them anymore.

Unfortunately, the marks on my arms from the play party are still quite visible.  I’m a bit tired of wearing a jacket around my house all the time.

I’m glad that I did the impact play.  I’m glad to have an experience to compare things against.  And I’m glad to have some idea of what it’s like at the point where the pain stops being pleasant.  I’m curious about exploring that more sometime.  Preferably when submission in a relationship is involved.

And I’m glad I finally saw the CSPC so I know what people are talking about.  It’s much smaller and cozier than I’d expected.  The outside, though, looks pretty sketchy.  I walked past the doors with “Library” and “Annex” on them and had the distinct feeling that I was in a game of Clue, and if I went through the library door I’d get decked with a candlestick or something.


I hope this post wasn’t too scattered.  It’s been hard to get one coherent line of thought on all this.