First Impact Play

I went to the CSPC for the first time last Tuesday.  They had a “tasting” event where there were stations set up to try several different BDSM activities.

I tried some bondage and a suspension, but there’s just not much to those for me without a power dynamic involved; the fact that I wanted to be tied, and knowing that I could ask to be untied at any point, defeats the purpose.  With a Dom, I think it could be fun, though.

Most notably, I tried some impact play.  After the play party I went to, I’d been hoping to see what a flogger and other things felt like.

The person at the impact station had me hold on to this frame thing.  Then he showed me some implement and I’d say okay or something and then he’d use it a bit.  We tried out a lot of the things he had.

I’ve tended to like stingy feelings more than thuddy feelings, but I was really curious to see what thuddy pain felt like.  When he used thuddy things, they  would maybe give me a jolt forward, but it took quite a while before they hurt.  I think I was okay with that pain when it came.  I really don’t remember what it felt like.  But I like the idea of it more now, so I guess I liked it.

I can’t really recall a point when I really enjoyed the impact play, though.  It kind of went from where it didn’t hurt to me being analytically interested in the feelings to trying to cope with pain that had gotten to the point of unpleasantness.

I was okay with it being unpleasant; I’d wanted to see what it would be like when it got to that point.  I can’t remember a lot of it.  But I remember him slapping my back some where it was already sore, and I didn’t like the sting; it was getting harder to deal with.  And toward the end, he wrapped this rubber thing around me and snapped it on my back three times.  That sort of thing would have been exciting and thrilling earlier.  But at that point, all I did was focus on trying to breathe out when it hit so I could cope with it better.  No thrill, just survival instincts.

Overall, the experience wasn’t very satisfying.  I’m glad that I have a bit more idea of what things feel like.  But the pain wasn’t satisfying without a complementary mindset.

I went into this with an analytical mindset.  What would these things feel like?  What would the experience be like?  Just gathering data.  I also wanted to maintain my dignity.  I didn’t want to respond to the experience in ways that showed weakness.  I wanted to be tough and be able to take it.  And I had this survival mindset (that I also get into in emergency situations): I get totally calm and analytical so I can figure out the best course of action to survive.

No submission.  No trust.  Just relying on myself.

I think that in a scene with someone I knew, I would want to focus on deliberately letting go of the pride I hold onto and allowing myself to vocalize my reactions; I’d want to allow myself to be weak.  And I would want to trust them and not just rely on my survival instincts.  I would want to relax into the experience given to me and not try to analyze and manage it myself so much.

It makes sense that those aspects weren’t there; I didn’t even know the person running the station.  It took me several days to figure out what mindsets I had been in and why I hadn’t really enjoyed it, though.

I was surprised that there was so much I couldn’t remember.  I didn’t feel like I was in an altered mindset at the time.  I checked myself a couple times and concluded that I still felt normal.  But it was a whole lot of new things all at once, so regardless of my mindset, it makes sense that I wouldn’t remember everything.

At one point during the play, the guy said that this wasn’t really a tasting anymore.  So I’m not sure how to classify my experience.  I wonder how close it was in intensity to a scene (which I’m sure have all different intensities anyways).  I wouldn’t know.  I’m curious to know how it compared to a scene, though, so I could better know what a scene might be like.

A few hours afterward.

I had bruises, and I liked them.  I liked pushing my shoulders back toward each other so I could feel them better.  They healed pretty quickly, though.  After five days, I couldn’t see or feel them anymore.

Unfortunately, the marks on my arms from the play party are still quite visible.  I’m a bit tired of wearing a jacket around my house all the time.

I’m glad that I did the impact play.  I’m glad to have an experience to compare things against.  And I’m glad to have some idea of what it’s like at the point where the pain stops being pleasant.  I’m curious about exploring that more sometime.  Preferably when submission in a relationship is involved.

And I’m glad I finally saw the CSPC so I know what people are talking about.  It’s much smaller and cozier than I’d expected.  The outside, though, looks pretty sketchy.  I walked past the doors with “Library” and “Annex” on them and had the distinct feeling that I was in a game of Clue, and if I went through the library door I’d get decked with a candlestick or something.


I hope this post wasn’t too scattered.  It’s been hard to get one coherent line of thought on all this.

First Play Party

After going to my first munch a couple weeks ago, I decided that I should wait a while before watching anyone play in real life.  Even though I’m interested in pain for myself, I felt like I might react badly to seeing someone else get hurt.

Last night, though, I went to the TNG munch, and some of the people there were going to an afterparty.  At first I declined, saying I was new to this and wanted to take it slow.  But I really wanted to see what it was like.  There was one pair of people there who said they were in a D/s relationship, and I watched them like a hawk just to see if I could learn anything about what that was like in real life.

I eventually wanted to go enough that I convinced myself.  I felt okay about going, and I’d be driving myself, so I could leave quickly if I wasn’t able to handle something.  It was at someone’s house, and not at the CSPC, so maybe it wasn’t the best choice for a first event, but I’d connected with some people at the munch who were going, so it seemed okay to go.

It felt weird walking into a stranger’s house, but the people there were nice.  I watched a girl strip and get tied up with rope, which was interesting.  Pretty much everyone stripped eventually, and, surprisingly, I didn’t really have a problem with it.  I’m not sure why, since I’d have thought I’d be really uncomfortable with that.  I kept my clothes on, though.

I went back upstairs, and some people were demonstrating some rope techniques.  One lady was hovering over the two pairs of people to get a good look so she could try it sometime.  So I asked if she wanted to try it now.  She made some comment along the lines of, “Oh, that sounds like an eager bottom,” and so I let her tie my hands. 

She tied them in front of me so the backs of my hands were against each other.  I got turned on almost right away.  Not from her, I don’t go for females, but I’d just wanted to try this stuff for so long and was excited to finally try it.

When she was finished, she took the ends of the rope, maybe a couple feet worth, and led me to a different part of the room.  I was kind of embarrassed about that, but was willing to do it.  She tried to make some sort of harness from the ends, but they were too short.

We sat back down and she sat there holding the ends, and – I was surprised – I really liked that.  I mean, I’d read about how people have felt when someone holds their leash, but it seemed a little strange to me; it wasn’t like they were even doing anything.  But I definitely liked the feeling that someone else had that control, even passively.  Maybe especially because it was passively.  Maybe the passiveness makes it feel more real, and not just played.

After a bit, she untied my hands and, after confirming that I wanted to, had me grasp my forearms behind my back, and she tied me that way.  She ran the ends of the rope over my shoulders and under the opposite arms, so there was a bit of a harness.  This position stretched my shoulders and upper arms back a bit, but wasn’t too uncomfortable.

When I’d been like that for maybe 20 minutes, someone glanced over and asked if I was still in the same harness I’d been in.  When I said that I was, that person said I would be a good rope bottom.  I’m not sure what that meant.  Don’t a lot of people stay tied up for a while?

I tried to free my arms because I wanted to know that I couldn’t.  I would have been disappointed if I could.  I did manage to get one of my hands halfway free while the lady who tied me had her attention elsewhere.  I gave myself bruises in the process, but I was determined to see if I could get out.

That lady had brought a toy with her that looked like a conductor’s baton, but was springy and very thin.  I’d hinted at her trying it on me earlier, so when she saw that I’d gotten partway out, she pretended to “punish” me by snapping it a couple times on my back over my shirt.  It was stingy, but I liked it.  My hand was starting to get cold, though, since I’d tightened the rope in my struggles, so she had to stop and untie me.

Then I finally got to see my first scene.  The Dom/sub pair I’d been watching started spanking some and playing with a crop.  The sub was crying out even when he was just spanking her.  It didn’t seem that hard from what I could hear, but I haven't experienced that, so I wouldn't know.  As they continued playing, he started slapping and punching between her legs, and he put clothespins on different parts of her and knocked them off with the crop.

I didn’t react how I’d feared I would.  I just sat there enjoying it with this silly half grin.  Even when she had trouble taking it and would whimper or ask him not to do something (but not in a safeword sort of way), I didn’t have a problem with it.

After they’d finished, I went back downstairs and there were two guys doing an impact scene.  I watched, fascinated.  The bottom could take quite a bit.  They went through several different toys.

I liked the demeanor of the top.  He was very focused, and didn’t react when the bottom reacted, although he did check in with him occasionally.  He would get this look when the bottom would move out of position, and I liked that look a lot.  He would get this calculating look about how he could cause the most pain.  Afterward, he said something about how the bottom was really experienced, and he’d tried to get to the level of pain the bottom wanted.

Tic-Tac-Toe.  Winner gets to make the next board!

The lady who had tied me earlier had also been watching this scene.  She still had her toy with her, and I asked her if we could play with it, and I held my arms out for her (the only uncovered part of me).  She obliged, and it felt awesome.  The sting would start and then build up for a few seconds.  It felt even better when she did several in a row, so I could feel multiple locations increasing in intensity at once.  She made a Tic-Tac-Toe board on my arm in welts.  She snapped it once near the tops of each of my shoulders, which hurt more, but felt really good.

I didn’t give any reaction to most of what she did.  It hurt, but not beyond what I was able to easily process.  I think I was kind of drawing inside myself to focus on the pain.  I only reacted a couple times to some of the stingier ones, and even then, I just said “oh” softly, still smiling.  I wonder if I’ll have to try to speak up more if I’m in an actual scene.  I know I need to give the top feedback so they can know what they’re doing, and it’s probably kind of boring if the bottom doesn’t react at all.

Time for long sleeves...

When she finished, I wasn’t ready to stop, but she was done.  I showed off the welts to a few people.  I liked them.  I didn’t know I’d like marks, but I was proud of them.  And it was fun to see people react.

The party started slowing down, and a bunch of couples started getting more intimate with each other.  I haven’t been around people having sex before, but, surprisingly, I wasn’t very uncomfortable with it.  I guess I was just ready to accept anything I saw in this environment.

I sat next to the Dom/sub couple I’d watched.  We talked about types of pain, and I mentioned that I wondered what a crop felt like.  The Dom guy said he could try it on me for demonstration purposes, so I held out my arm, and after asking if it was okay, he showed me a few different feelings from stingy to thuddy.

He hit my arm with the crop a couple times, and it felt good.  It wasn’t nearly as stingy as the baton thing had been, but I could tell that it would get harder to take after a few hits.  Then he slapped my arm there with his hand.  Then he put on this glove he had and slapped my arm with that.  Then he made his gloved hand into a fist and hit my arm with the flat part of his fingers a couple times.

I hadn’t actually expected him to do stuff besides the crop, so it was kind of bad that I hadn’t specifically given permission to him to do the other stuff.  But I think he must have thought the permission extended that far.  I was a little uncomfortable that that happened, but it was accidental, so I don’t think it’s a big deal.  I could have told him to stop if I’d wanted him to.

I didn’t much like the thuddy feeling from after he put the glove on.  I’m still interested in experimenting with it sometime, though.  My arm still has a bit of a bruised feeling from that, although hardly any bruise actually showed up.  I like that it still hurts some afterward.

When I was about to leave, I went downstairs to get some water, and saw a girl I’d met finishing up flogging a guy.  After they were done, and she was cuddling with him, I went to say bye to her, and said something like, “I guess I’m gonna head out now, unless…”  After an awkward pause, I mentioned that I was really interested in what floggers feel like, but said that it seemed like she was preoccupied.  She agreed to try it with me, though.

I still didn’t want to undress, so I pulled the back of my shirt over my head and tucked it around the front of my neck, so I was still covered in front.  I had her undo my bra strap so the flogger wouldn’t get caught on it.  I wasn’t uncomfortable with that, surprisingly, probably because most everyone else was almost nude.

It was a leather flogger with maybe a centimeter width strands, so it was made to have a thuddy feel to it.  I would have preferred to try a stingy sensation, but that’s what was there.

I got turned on just from getting into position for her to use the flogger.  I was so excited to finally try it.

She started out slowly, and I could hardly feel anything at all.  She checked with me a couple times and increased the intensity, but it still didn’t hurt at all.  I could feel the pressure from it, but there was no pain.  Only in the last few swings before she stopped was there any sort of pain, but it was only a little bit stingy; I guess she did it hard enough that there was a sting to it.  But there was no pain from the thuddy feeling at all.

She said she wasn’t that experienced with a flogger, and she could try really going at it, but she would rather me leave feeling like it didn’t hurt than risking something bad happening.  I agreed, but was disappointed.  I headed out after that.

At the party, I felt okay with everything that happened, but as I drove away, I had mixed feelings.  I still felt really excited about finally getting to try stuff and see what BDSM was like in real life.  But I also started feeling guilty.  I had decided before to take it slowly, but I let my emotions drive me to do what I hadn’t yet decided on beforehand.  Nothing bad happened,  but because I did this before I’d made a logical decision about it, it bothered me.

I slept restlessly.  I never sleep well when I go to bed that late, plus I had all these new experiences to think about.  But the guilt had mostly faded by the time I woke up.  I still have mixed feelings about what happened, but it did happen, and I’m glad to have finally experienced this.

I thought I would need to take this slowly, but the anticipation was getting to me more than I accounted for.  I think it was good to “rip off the Band-Aid” and finally see (and experience a little) what it is I’ve been imagining so much.  I feel relieved to have a real life reference point to put BDSM in context.

On relaxing walks and mindfucks

My mind’s been overstimulated lately; I’ve been constantly thinking of different situations that could come up in a D/s relationship and how I would struggle internally to work through them.  I want so much to be in situations where I can face that struggle.  And I keep reading stories online to see how other peoples’ relationships work.  And I keep feeling intense longing to be in a relationship like those.  And I keep wanting to talk to people about BDSM and learn more.

I’m constantly thinking about this stuff to the point where it’s hard to give my mind a rest even for a minute.  And when there’s that much going on in my mind without a rest, I start getting mentally numb, and I still feel like I have needs to fulfill, but I can’t even think of what they are anymore.  I end up wanting to talk to people even more, because talking with people can help me sort out my thoughts.  But if I can’t find people to talk to when that happens, I can start feeling upset and depressed.

I was at that point yesterday.  I didn’t sleep that well, and woke up at six this morning.  Usually when that happens, I get some water and try to go back to sleep, but I felt rested this morning.  I enjoyed the feeling of being up early and decided to go for a walk.  Walking, for me, is how I can really spend time with God.  It’s calming, and there usually aren’t many people around so I can talk to God out loud without too many people thinking I’m crazy.  And it’s good to be outside and get some exercise and fresh air.

Lately, when I’ve gone for walks, I’ve had trouble focusing on talking with God.  My mind has just kept drifting back to all the BDSM fantasies and concepts I’m working through.  I’ve tried to just spend time with God without thinking about BDSM so much, but it’s hard to snap my mind out of that mode.

Today, though, God helped me with that.  I was thinking about how I missed being able to just relax my mind and not think so much.  When I could enjoy the scenery around me and take joy in that without it just being the background to my thoughts.  At that point, I felt like God was prompting me to just listen to the sounds around me and focus on them.  There were birds and traffic, and it did actually help me relax my mind; tuning into sound, rather than sight, is a refreshing shift of consciousness.

I got to the park that I walk laps around, and no one was there, which was nice.  I sang the songs that came to my head, and reflected and talked and with God about our relationship.  I was enjoying just resting in us being together.  I was still focusing on sounds, and that helped.

I’ve started seeing that my relationship with God works like a D/s relationship; it was always that way, I just have words for it now.  I also have more ideas to try out, since I’ve seen the ways people have D/s relationships.  In the throes of feeling secure in our relationship, and thinking in terms of BDSM sessions, I asked, “God, take me!”  It’s not like we haven’t had intense trust-building and spiritually pleasurable experiences before, but I just had a new way to ask for it this time.

Then I remembered (and started playing) a game I like, where I close my eyes and keep walking and just rest in knowing that God takes care of me.  I pay attention to how my steps feel to know if I’ve gone off the path or something.  Walking without seeing is an awesome feeling.  I love the feeling of trust it can evoke.

I did this for a bit, occasionally opening my eyes when I got too far off the path, which was bordered by grass on both sides.  Then I got to a straight section, and went for longer without opening them.  It was on the side of the park that’s near some houses, and I started thinking about how someone could be on the path in front of me and I wouldn’t know.  They could be a rapist or something.  But then I settled back into trusting God; God and I were spending time together and anything that happened would be something that He wanted to happen.  And if He wanted me to run into a rapist and get attacked, then that was fine because I know that when we’re spending time together, God takes care of me and is in control; I believe he honors my gift of trusting that He’s in control by taking it up fully.

So if He wanted me to run into a rapist, that was fine.  It was then that I ran into a chain-link fence.

My eyes snapped open as chills raced up and down my entire body.  I was momentarily stunned, but then started laughing when I realized what had happened.  I laughed for a while, and then felt closer to God for it.

You see, one of the BDSM things I’ve been reading about lately is mindfucks.  I’m really fascinated by the idea.

I might want to try it sometime if I’ve already been in a long-term relationship for a long time and my Dom knows me really, really well.  It’s kind of weird that I’m so intrigued with the idea because I feel that honesty so absolutely important in relationships, and mindfucks are inherently based on some form of deception.  Maybe I like it because I’d have to trust them beyond my reliance on honesty.  And I want to be stretched in my level of trust.  Or maybe it’s because I feel that giving psychological control adds another level of intimacy to the relationship.  I seek that sort of intimacy.

In any case, I’m fascinated by them, and I think it’s really cool that God wanted to do that with me.  All the components of a mindfuck were there.   Not being able to see reality.  The power of suggestion.  The mind creating a different reality to compensate for lack of sight.  A bit of fear mixed with trust.  And then a sensation that convinces you that what has been suggested has just happened.  That moment of “Holy crap!  What?!”  And then realizing how you were led to believe a reality that was never really there.  It was awesome.

In a way, it felt like a practical joke between friends; friends who really trust each other.  It felt playful.  It was fun.

I continued walking.  Near the end of my walk, I started thinking about how much I’ve been longing for these D/s relationships I read about.  I don’t think that’s bad.  But when I start forgetting that I already have this sort of relationship and that it’s a really, really fulfilling relationship, then I’ve lost sight of what’s really important.  It’s good to look forward to what I want later, but I need to be happy with where I am now.  I need to enjoy this wonderful relationship I get to have with God.  I need to keep working on my relationship with Him, even while I’m waiting to experience the human analogue to that relationship.