Friday, February 22, 2013
BDSM and My Relationship with God
I haven’t known anyone else who experiences their relationship with God like I do.
Growing up, I latched on to the parts of Christian scriptures and songs that dealt with submission, trust, and suffering for God. I’ve had (nearly) romantic fantasies of giving up everything, living on the street, and trusting God to provide for my every need. I’ve prayed fervently, many times, for God to do anything to me or let anything happen to me that would cause me to be closer to Him.
I felt that it was a common and easy thing to love God because he does stuff for you. That’s what most people seem to do. But love, it seems to me, can most truly be shown when it causes some sort of suffering to do so.
I wanted so much to have the opportunity to show my love for God in this way. I wanted to live in a country where Christians are persecuted because I could rely on God more and be closer to Him. I felt that those Christians were more blessed because they could have that closer relationship with God. And that idea seemed supported by Bible verses that talk about the least being blessed and all. I wanted to be the least.
When people would ask for me to pray for something or for someone to get better, I wouldn’t pray for that. I would pray (in my head) that whichever outcome would allow them to get closest to God would happen. Being close to God was the ultimate good; the things people wanted prayers for were secondary to that.
This is the sort of relationship I have with God. It is the most important thing to me, the most important part of me. I could say so much more about it, but I’m trying to be brief.
When my masochistic desires flared up stronger than ever in college, I began to act on them and read stories about them. However, I felt that they couldn’t be right and it must be sinful to act on them. And because I kept choosing to sin even though I wanted to be close to God, I must be choosing those desires over God and injuring my relationship with Him. I felt awful about it.
Toward the end of the five years I struggled with that, I was at a point where I felt like my relationship with God wasn’t as good as it had been, and that left spiritual needs unfulfilled. I felt like when I acted on my desires, I must be trying to fill those needs that God should be filling. I felt that acting on my desires was a perversion of my relationship with God. I felt that a perversion of my relationship with God was the worst sort of insult I could give Him.
I really wanted to talk to someone, so they could help me stop acting on my desires, but I couldn’t think of anyone appropriate to talk to. However, I recently remembered meeting a Christian sex educator, and I re-connected with her on Facebook. I sent her a long message detailing the desires I’d had as a child and how they developed in adulthood.
I had started to suspect that some of the things I was feeling might be okay; there were other people who had these desires, after all. However, I was shocked when she replied and said that everything I’d been feeling was okay. Everything was okay? Yes, everything, she confirmed. I wasn’t harming anyone, so it was okay.
When I started thinking of my desires as okay, it didn’t take me long to see that they weren’t a perversion of my relationship with God at all; they were a reflection of it. And I think that a marriage is a reflection of relationship with God, so then it would be okay if these desires were present in a marriage. No, not just okay: beautiful! Oh so beautiful, because that sort of marriage could reflect my specific and unique relationship with God, which was already based on BDSM-style intimacy.
The most important thing in my life finally fit with my sexuality, and I didn’t have to condemn myself for my desires anymore. It was so liberating and stunning and beautiful. The time spent with God that night was intimate for sure.
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I no longer consider myself a Christian, so you can take this how you like. When I was about your age, though, I was both devoutly religious and also just beginning to discover my darker desires as a dominant sadist.
ReplyDeleteIt should come as no surprise that, for years, I did just as you did. I hid it. I talked to no one about the feelings I was having. I was both ashamed and also afraid of what it all meant. In those days, there was no kinky Internet community. There were no websites, no mailing lists. Whatever community existed, it was mainly underground and hidden from view. The only resources I had were the bondage magazines and pornographic paperback novels that I would buy in secret at the local adult store. I still lived at home, so I hid the materials under my mattress. I was afraid of someone finding out what a perverted monster I was. And, I was sure that having these desires meant I must be like those characters in the stories I read. Most of them were criminals or outlaw bikers or what not. They committed violent crimes such as rape and kidnapping of innocent women and girls. I knew these crimes were terrible, but it all turned me on so.
It wasn't until I connected with like-minded people in a chatroom on AOL some years later (I was 28 by then) that I truly began to understand that I could be a decent, respectful human being who believed in God, cared about his neighbors, and yet could still live out his fantasies with willing, even eager submissive women.
If you're looking for someone to chat with about this stuff, I'm available.
Thanks for sharing this. I've wondered what it would be like for dominants to figure these things out. It was hard to come to terms with wanting to hurt myself, but it seems like it would be even harder to come to terms with wanting to hurt others.
DeleteI can relate somewhat to enjoying reading about terrible stuff. Before I was old enough to understand sexual turnons, I found myself fascinated with historical accounts of slavery. I never thought that slavery was okay, but I was fascinated by how exactly how they were whipped or beaten. I felt that I needed to empathize with them a bit, and would make up scenarios where I would act out being bound the same way and cause myself very small amounts of pain just to get an idea of what sort of pain they were feeling. At that age, I didn't think negatively of myself for doing it, though. It was just one way I would play.
I can imagine it's a different experience if you're turned on by imagining horrible things being done to you. For me, I imagining myself doing horrible things to others, and it was easy to feel guilty about that. Did that make me a bad person? What was wrong with that made me enjoy the pain and suffering of others?
ReplyDeleteMy email is masterhyde@gmail.com and my FetLife name is the same as here. Look me up if you would enjoy further discussion. I know I would. :)